Just take a moment...

I don't know if any of you are fans or familiar with this couple, but their story broke my heart. I've followed Joey & Rory's* updates occasionally starting a few years ago, and loved seeing the updates on their sweet daughter and after her cervical cancer diagnosis. This most recent blog post however, it has just broken my mommy heart. I couldn't imagine the pain she is feeling both physically and emotionally knowing that her baby girl will be without a mother. It really makes you stop and evaluate the things that really matter in your life. If things were to go sideways tomorrow and you received horrible news or you were taken from this life what things would you want to leave as your legacy? Having a huge house, fancy cars, and tons of money mean nothing if you are not a good hearted person. My goal in life is to raise children who are kind, loving, and hardworking. That they grow in life and they're healthy and happy in all that they do. And also that my wonderful husband always knows how much I love and appreciate him and all that he does. I always want to be the best daughter, sister, and friend and always have people leave me happier than when they came. Even if you're not a fan take a moment to read the last few posts on their blog and maybe take some time to reflect on the important things.





*Be aware that because of high traffic volume on their blog it has been down repeatedly today.

Mom

In these early hours of Mother's Day I can't help but think back on these last few years I've spent in the craziness that is motherhood. I always listened to the women in my life describe what it is to be a mom, and until October of 2012 I really had no grasp of what they were saying. My own mother would tell us all the time that you never understand the love of a mother until you become one, and oh how right she was! In these 2.5 years as Mom I never could have imagined the roller coaster ride P would take me on. There are good days where we laugh, play, and cuddle, and then there are the days where I feel like I want to run away screaming out of frustration. I love being P's mama and I realize these trying times won't last forever, that someday in the blink of an eye I'll turn around and see a grown man in place of my little boy. This blond haired blue eyed boy has stolen my heart and he surprises me every single day. Every time he gives kisses, wants to hold my hand, cuddle in bed, or says in his sweet voice "I love you too, Mommy!", it all makes my heart melt and thank God for blessing me with him. There have been nights I've stood over his crib watching his chest rise and fall in the pale glow of his night light, watching him gently stir and cuddle his lovies and my heart swells with so much love I feel like it may burst. I can't help but drink in those moments because I realize there are so many who wish they could have these moments to.

My first good look at him, I was in shock and in love. The best day of my life!

My crazy spunky little man!

To those of you who are dreading this Mother's Day because of infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, failed adoption, etc. my heart aches for you. I can't imagine the pain in your heart and the sadness that this day brings, know that you are on my heart today and I am sending loving thoughts your way. I hope that someday you are able to rejoice in celebrating Mother's Day with a child in your arms and that overflowing love in your heart. To those who are facing their first(or one of many) Mother's Day without your mom I hope today you can take a moment to remember her and her love for you, remember all of the things she did for you and all of the special memories you have with her. I can only send prayers your way that you will feel peace for a moment today.

For those of you who are still blessed with your mother make sure you take time today to visit her, call her, reach out to her in some way to let her know how much you appreciate her. For those ladies who have stepped in and stepped up and taken on a mother role to a child or children who need them I have nothing but respect and admiration for you. You are an awesome mom and I applaud you!

Until next time, thanks for reading and Happy Mother's Day!

04/16/2008

Growing up in a big close knit family like I did there were things that remained constant at any family gathering. There would be a ton of kids, lots of taking and laughing, an abundance of food, and of course my Grandma was the head of it all. I have so many memories of family dinners, holidays, summertime, and after school nights in her house it seems lie the majority of my childhood was spent in some form under her roof or in her backyard. Learning to cook, learning how to bake family recipes for the holidays, learning to sew, and so many other countless skills were taught by her. She helped us with homework after school, and kept us in line when we misbehaved. I don't think there was an aspect of my life she didn't touch or teach me about something, she was amazing!

When you have someone that has such a big role in your everyday life the thought never crosses your mind to a time when they won't be there. Your brain will literally not allow you to comprehend that place in time when that becomes your reality. That moment was the morning of April 16, 2008. My Grandmother, Annette Patricia Becker was gone.

I answered the phone call from my mom, still half asleep when she gave me the news through her own tears. At first I thought I was dreaming, but quickly realized it was indeed happening. It's like everything around you is moving in slow motion, you can feel your heart beat pounding in your ears, your mouth turns dry and your tongue feels almost to thick to swallow. The tears are streaming down your face and you're not even sure you can choke out a response. The worst part was having to call my Dad and have him call home without saying a word because my mom wanted to tell him. Everyone made their way to the nursing home to say their goodbyes and that was even worse. Walking into her room and seeing her there on the bed made it true.  I can remember it like it was just yesterday.

There are moments when I still get emotional thinking about how much I miss her. Most of those memory triggers revolve around cooking, baking, or food,the funny thing is most of them have happened in my kitchen since buying our home last year. This past Christmas was our first in our new house so it was very special to me, and because it's my favorite holiday/time of year. I was standing in the kitchen baking Christmas cookies with P, it instantly reminded me of all the years I did that with Grandma. The recipe I was using was our family recipe, I was using her rolling pin, I half expected to hear her say "Check the cookies, sis.". I'm sure she would have had a good laugh at P covered from head to toe in flour. Another was just a couple of weeks ago while getting ready for Easter. My Dad finally found the lamb cake molds that she used every single year for as long as I can remember. He gave them to me so I could attempt to make a lamb cake for Easter. I was happy that the first attempt was perfect, if you've never made them before they're extremely tricky. If one step is off it can ruin the entire cake, so I was really proud of myself. The best complement came from my Dad, who after trying a bite told me how proud she would have been. When you're Grandmother is an amazing cook and baker any complement like that means a lot. She really was the best of the best in the kitchen. Another one that brings back memories is whenever P has spaghetti. She always enjoyed watching the little ones devour her spaghetti, especially when it was their first time trying it. All of us have a picture or two somewhere where we're sitting in the highchair covered in noodles and sauce.  I plan to continue that and I'll document every spaghetti encounter I can get from P. =)

It's crazy to think that it's been 7 years since she passed. It feels like yesterday and another lifetime all in the same moment. I was in my early 20's, dating sometime all wrong for me, and just trying to figure out life. Now, here I am a couple months shy of 29, married to a wonderful man, a homeowner, and most importantly a Mother. My life would have never been the same if it wasn't for all of her love and ask the things she taught me. If I am half as strong and amazing as she was I would feel honored, she was truly the definition of a wonderful mother and grandmother. There are physical aspects of her that I'll probably never forget, her hair and her hands mostly, but I don't think I can remember her voice anymore Abed that really makes me sad. I will always carry her love and wisdom with me and will look back on my memories with her. I know that no matter what she will always be with me, watching over me from heaven.

I love you Gram!

Late Night Thoughts

I've been having trouble sleeping again, lying in bed staring at the ceiling, listening to my husband and the dog snore, catching the occasional rustle from P's room. All of this time spent lying in the dark gives me a lot of time to think, thinking about your typical mundane stuff like grocery shopping, laundry, what's for dinner tomorrow, etc. That time also gives me time to (over)analyze the current state of our TTC journey, my PCOS journey, and all the other things that come with those. I haven't written in a while because I didn't really feel like I've had much to say. I thought that I should write about something other than TTC, but I didn't have anything else to talk about. Obviously TTC takes up a lot of room in my daily thoughts, sometimes it seeps into moments that I least expect, while some days I'm able to keep it neatly packed away until I'm alone before bed.

Something that I've been thinking about a lot over the past few days was what has TTC cost us up until this point? Sure money has been spent, and for my fellow POAS addicts you know how the tests and their costs can add up pretty quickly. Even more so if you're like us and use the OPKs on top of the monthly testing with an HPT. Add in the cost of vitamins, supplements, blood work, doctors appointments, the fertility friendly lube, etc, and it really adds up fast. I found a little program that when given your estimates and information with give you a informational picture of your TTC journey. After everything all of the necessary info I was kind of surprised at the results. I didn't even add in the medical costs because I didn't have an accurate number to use, although I'm sure it's hundreds of extra dollars. I'm hoping it shows up properly since I'm posting from my phone again.

It's crazy to me the amount of time and money that TTC has taken up in my life. With the money we've spent we could have taken a nice weekend trip somewhere, bought a bunch of new clothes, used it on a project around the house. People may not realize how expensive this process can get even before you enter the realm of IVF. I've also spent so many hours of reading article after article, researching medications and supplements, reaching out in online forums and support groups. I've learned so much and have thankfully meet some really great ladies throughout this process. We talk often and are each other's cheerleaders when hope is hard to find. We also are one of the most excited when we find out that someone has FINALLY got their BFP! Hearing of someone's success usually gives me the glimmer of hope I needed to remind myself our turn will come again someday. 

There are days when I feel like we've tried everything under the sun to get pregnant and it's just not working. It's easy to get discouraged, sad, angry, jealous, etc especially when you hear so many others getting pregnant so easily. I know years ago when my doctor first told me that getting pregnant would be hard I didn't know what to think. My first instinct was to think she was crazy and 100% wrong and that is never have any issues. I thought that was even more true when I was pregnant with P. When we got pregnant so quickly the 2nd time her words never even crossed my mind. Now here we are 540+ days into this craziness and I'm realizing how right she was. I'm in my 6th month of taking metformin, I've been taking prenatal vitamins for what feels like an eternity, and I feel like we're no closer to getting pregnant than we were 6mo ago. We're currently watching my chart to see if my body cooperates this cycle and actually is successful at ovulating or if it well be a giant FAIL. I guess all we can do now is wait and hope.

Shattered Dreams: A Story of Loss.

I've written this post countless times in my head and online and have yet to be able to publish it because it just never felt right. I couldn't put the feelings into words that would adequately describe what I was feeling in those moments. This is the story of our loss and what I went through over the past year dealing with that heartbreak. It is long and shares a lot of personal details of our loss and grief, please be respectful of our loss journey as much of this hasn't been shared with anyone besides my husband.

Exactly a year ago today our lives were forever changed.

After we got married in October 2013 we decided we wanted to begin trying to conceive(TTC) right away. I had already been tracking my cycles with ovulation strips(OPKs) so we continued using them for the next few cycles. The holidays passed and with the new year came a LOT of snow and we were snowed in, it was January 5th, 2014. I woke up early before the sun was even up and had to sneak my way to the bathroom past P's crib. I nervously unwrapped the test and did what I needed to do, then all I had to do was wait. I waited with eyes closed and barely breathing because I didn't want to be disappointed again. I waited for what felt like an eternity and slowly peeked from one eye, and to my shock there were 2 lines! I totally did a happy dance in the bathroom before tip-toeing my way back bed. I snuggled up next to my husband and with him being just barely awake I whispered in his ear "We're having another baby!". He turned around with a huge smile and I couldn't help but laugh as he asked multiple times if I was sure. We were overjoyed with the news and I felt like I was on cloud 9, what better news to start the day then that of a new baby! It also happened at a great time to tell close family because the snow had prevented us from celebrating my baby sister's birthday. So I knew just how to share our news with my parents and sister, a birthday surprise!

A few days later we were finally able to get out of the house and have dinner for A's birthday. It was fun, but it was so hard to not blurt out our news right there in the middle of the restaurant. We were going to have to wait until we all went back to my parent's house after dinner. We had bought A's birthday card that was one "for a special aunt" and signed it from "P and Baby W#2". I sat nervously as she opened it secretly recording it all on my cellphone waiting to capture the reaction of her and everyone else that was there. Sure enough, she read it, looked up at me, read it again, and said "wait a minute...what?!". At this point I was laughing and shaking from not only nerves but because I think she thought it was a joke. She then asked if it was true and I told her yes she threw it at my mom who read it and then flipped out(in a good shocked way)! My dad was the last to register what was happening amid the screeches and laughing, but it was a great reaction by them all. We used the same trick on Luke's Dad a few days later for his birthday, and we managed to shock him as well. We only told immediate family first and were waiting until our first appointment until we told the rest of our family members and then make it public. We decided since we were going to a big family party with my family 2 days before the appointment we'd share our news, everyone was so happy for us! I was scheduled to see Dr.P February 18th for our first visit which would include a dating ultrasound to determine how far along we were and a due date.

I can remember the day like it was just moments ago, it's burned into my memory. My parents offered to come over and watch P so that Luke would be able to come with me over his lunch break. I remember being so excited and so nervous that my stomach was in knots and it took everything in me to not throw up. By the time we made it to the appointment and actually got back to an exam room I was smiling from ear to ear. The nurse ran through the mile long list of health questions about myself, Luke, and our families, they asked about pregnancy and delivery with P, and all the other fun facts they need to know. After that was all taken care of we had to wait for Dr.P to come in to do our ultrasound and we'd get our first look at our little peanut. Anyone who's been pregnant knows how uncomfortable that first ultrasound is because let's face it, no one wants to be lying half naked on a bed with an annoying instrument in their neither regions. It's awkward, uncomfortable, but the end result is magical...or at least it should be.

I'm lying in this bed waiting silently, barely breathing as she's doing her work and checking all she needs to on the monitor. The more time that passes I start to sense that something is wrong, I just hold on harder to Luke's hand while we wait for her to say something. When she finally speaks she tells us that she can't get a clear enough picture, but that she's having trouble locating a heartbeat. She tells us to be cautiously optimistic add that I'll need to go downstairs to the hospital for a better ultrasound. Everything after that point is foggy, I don't know what was said, but I remember walking down to radiology dept and waiting for what felt like years for my name to be called. When I was called back and again endured another very awkward and this time painful ultrasound I had to know for sure what was going on. I asked the tech if she could see or tell us anything and she said she couldn't, but that Dr.P would review it and let us know the results. We were sent back upstairs to wait for Dr.P to review the images and tell us what was happening. By this point I knew in my heart it wasn't good news, and I remember sitting in the waiting room texting my mom trying to keep her updated without telling her specifics do she wouldn't worry. I was also texting my friend and was telling her that things weren't looking good, I felt like I was on the edge of my seat waiting to be called back.

After what felt like a million years I was called back to an exam room and waited for Dr.P. When she came in she said the words no one ever wants to hear..."I'm sorry, there was no heartbeat." I remember her saying that baby had died about a week prior based on its size, and that there was nothing we could do. After that I only remember thinking that this was a mistake, that it was all wrong. I remember my mouth was so dry and my tongue felt thick like I couldn't swallow. I didn't cry, I felt like I couldn't even breathe. I just wanted to get out of there and get home so I could mourn in private. Luke and I gathered our coats and as soon as we were out of the office I could feel the tears starting to burn in the corners of my eyes, and the flood gates opened as soon as I was in the car. The drive home was silent, we just held each other's hand and cried. In that moment I'm not sure what else you can do. If you've never been through a loss it's really hard to understand the whirlwind of emotions that happen. There's anger and sadness, disappointment, and fear of what happens next. One of my first thoughts was how in the hell do we tell our families?! We just shared this news days prior thinking we were "in the clear" and now this was happening. Luke dropped me off and had to go back to work, and I managed to tell my parents without losing it, they offered to stay but since P was sleeping I told them they could go. I needed some time to myself to process what was happening, to begin to prepare myself for the physical aspect of what would happen, but the long emotional road that was ahead as well. I spent the rest if the afternoon crying and sobbing and slowly telling my closest girlfriends what happened. I asked my parents to tell my sisters and the rest if the family because I couldn't bare the thought of answering questions and repeating what happened over and over. Our loss journey was just beginning but in the next few nights I'd go through what I thought would be the worst of it, the physical part of passing/delivering our peanut. I won't share the gory details, just know there is real pain in those moments, cramping and contracting just like in  "real"labor, and more bleeding than you can imagine. It's a difficult and messy process that I'd never wish on anyone. One of the hardest things to deal with was still feeling pregnant after it was all over, I still was getting morning sickness, hormone migraines, and all the other uncomfortable pregnancy symptoms that happen. It was like a sick joke being played on me every day for the next 2 weeks as I'd wake up with morning sickness, and be hit with a daily hormone migraine even though there was no baby inside of me. Those days were some of the worst, I don't even know how I made it through. The next few months were a blur of emotions, tears, and so many other things. I was sad,  I was pissed off at the world, and it felt like nothing would bring me out of that hole. I always managed to put on a happy face in public and deal with my feelings in private, because I felt like I couldn't share it with anyone. I felt like people expected me to be over our loss in such a short amount of time and that just was not the case.

Over the next year I struggled with mild depression, mood swings, anxiety, weight gain, etc. As well as the mountain of grief that seemed to be ever present in my life, it would sneak up our of nowhere and take me down. I had to go day by day, sometimes it was moment by moment to just make it through the day. It was a very dark and lonely time for me, I felt like people dismissed our loss and moved on instantly and I was left shouldering the immense grief alone. It was such a hard time on my husband and our marriage because I was not easy to deal with going through all of this. I was mean and moody, I neglected a lot of my housework, and I just wasn't me. I spent my days concentrating on taking care of P and that was sometimes all I could do. So many days I wondered about all of the things we'd miss, birthdays, holidays, everything you look forward to when you find out you're expecting, all of that was now gone and that's the worst pull to swallow I think. You have all of these dreams for this child that you've never met but that you love so much already. You wonder if the baby was a boy or girl, what color hair and eyes they'd have, who would they have looked like, etc. Ask of those dreams are shattered in a moment, and its so hard to wrap your mind around that enough to let those dreams go.

Here I am now exactly a year later, I'm in a better place mentally but there are still hard days just fewer and far between than what they were. Now that we've been TTC unsuccessfully since our miscarriage it's added a whole different layer to this journey. There will always be grief over the baby we lost, but now there is grief for the baby that still isn't here yet. In the last 6 months I've had some health hurdles with my cycles and I'm working with Dr.P to fix those and hopefully get us to the point where we're able to conceive. I'll post more about that part of our journey another day.

You were loved from the moment we knew you existed. You're forever in my heart, my sweet baby. 1/5/14 - 2/18/14

LOST:The Woman I Was

For many women the moment they become a mom their 'pre-baby self' slowly starts to evolve or fade away, I myself am no different. I used to be the one always dressed up, hair done, never left the house without makeup kind of gal. I always had new shoes, cute handbags, sexy underwear, etc. And now here I am finally getting out of my pjs and taking a shower at 7pm, only to put on another set of jammies. Ha! There is no involvement of makeup, curling or straightening irons, false lashes, nail polish, etc. I occasionally miss that girl especially when I feel like I'm losing who I used to be, I sometimes wonder if I even have in me to be that girl again. As women we are always our own biggest critic and I'm not exempt from that.

Just today I looked in the bathroom mirror thinking how awful I looked. Standing there with messy unwashed hair bunched on top of my head, the hint of dark circles under my eyes, framed by some eyebrows in serious need of a wax(oops!), I honestly looked like I just crawled out of bed. Now I could be all philosophical here and tell you how physical appearance doesn't matter, blah, blah, blah! And while that may be true I have my moments where I wish I was still that girl who was wild and crazy, who took hours to get ready for date night, who felt good and carried herself with confidence. Sadly, that girl is not here anymore, I allowed her to be gobbled up by the all consuming beast that can be motherhood. And I think the fact that I stay home has exasperated the issue because every waking moment if my day revolves around being Mom. I don't have a job where I go to and am still Jessi. I don't get to pee alone, shower alone, and most nights I don't even get to eat my own dinner. The title of Mom and all that that encompasses has pushed Jessi to the furthest darkest corner of life's closet. She's sitting back there with the dust bunnies, skinny jeans, and probably my plaid uniform skirt from high school. Haha!

All joking aside I admit I've done a terrible job at keeping myself up and staying somewhat of who I used to be. I couldn't tell you the last date night we had, or the last girls night I went to. Hell, tonight was the first time I'd showered alone in weeks!(Thank you, God!) I should probably start wearing makeup again, and drop the sweat pants and t shirts, maybe I'll even make it in for an eyebrow wax, and a dye job to hide these grays. Maybe I'll even get to shower long enough to shave my legs! I'm sure my husband would appreciate seeing the 'old me' and maybe it would help me not feel so lost.

So my challenge for you moms hanging out at home in your sweatpants with your dirty hair is this. Take a day or two this week where you actually get dressed, put on some makeup(yes, lip gloss and mascara are fine!) and try to get in touch with your old self. Bring her out from the back of life's 'closet', brush of the dust bunnies, and let her see the light of day. Your significant other will probably wonder what's going on and will likely worry they've forgotten an important date and you can mess with them if they think that, I totally would do it to my hubby.  And if you feel brave enough post a picture and share what happened, I'd love to hear all about it.

Jessi

Sometimes You Just Need a Good Cry.

I know most of us have come to a point for one reason or another where we need to take a moment and just have ourselves a good cry. The type of cry where you end up snot nosed, a pile of tissues in your lap, red puffy eyes, ugly cry kind of cry. I know you ladies know what I'm talking about. I had that moment tonight and it felt good to just let it all out. Now I don't know about you but I usually have to have these moments when I know I won't be disturbed. So that means they usually happen during P's nap time while hubby is still at work or like tonight, after everyone has gone to sleep. I've had a few medical set backs over the last few months in our TTC journey, and unfortunately had another yesterday. I've shared some of what I've gone through via Instagram and Facebook but haven't shared here yet. Tonight I'm just going to share about this recent set back and will save our full story for another night when I'm not posting from my phone.

Just some quick back story...

After having issues with my cycle over the past summer I went to see my ObGyn. After lots of blood work, questions, exams, and our obvious lack of conceiving  she diagnosed me with PCOS. If you're asking yourself what in the world that is, it stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I won't get into specifics but essentially it's what's causing me to have erratic or non existent periods as well as not ovulating during my cycles. After the initial round of blood work I was prescribed metformin to combat the insulin resistance that often accompanies this. I started taking 2000mg daily in October of 2014 and had to continue until my follow up that happened on Monday.

I had to go have blood drawn and they would check if there was any change in my blood glucose level. My result last time was 103, Dr.P wanted it below 100.  Once I hit that 100(or lower)mark I would be prescribed Clomid in hopes it would make me ovulate and help us conceive. I had high hopes for my call back from Dr.P's office, and I just knew I would get good news. Unfortunately for me the news I did get when they called was not what I expected. She told me that there had been no change in my glucose level and it still was at 103. And Dr.P wanted me to increase my daily dosage of metformin from 2000mg to 4000mg, that also meant no Clomid and I'll have to wait at least another 3 months and have my levels tested again. I guess the only good news was that even though it didn't go down it didn't increase either. Talk about a huge freakin let down! As soon as I hung up the phone the tears came as I sent the hubby a Facebook message to tell him what happened. Some of you are probably thinking that 3 months is nothing and will be over in a blink. And while that may be true, when you've been TTC for almost a year and a half those 3 months seem like an eternity. It sometimes feels like after our loss that we've hit nothing but hurdle after hurdle to try and have another baby.

So now here I sit tonight all puffy eyed with my pile of tissues because I'm feeling rather discouraged about this current set back and the entire TTC situation.  I can't help but play a million different scenarios in my mind about our TTC journey and what will happen down the road. I've often wondered if my past OB was right and after being told I'd be lucky to ever have children naturally on our own without done kind of assistance that Perrin will be our only miracle baby. And if that's the case, will we ever be so blessed to have that miracle for a 3rd time and and actually end up with a healthy baby? I know there's one or two of you thinking that I should be happy to have P and that I'm already a mom. Please don't ever think that I take my son for granted, because even on the toughest days when I may gripe about it  he is my life and I love him more than words. Even though we do have P it doesn't take away the want I have in my heart to be pregnant again and have more children.

There are some days when that ache is so strong that I just can't bear the thought of seeing another pregnancy or birth announcement online. And when I say this it's not out of anger, it's out of sadness. There's that fear that scrolling through my news feed on Facebook may bring that dark cloud over my entire day. While I may pass on a congratulations to you and your good news I am still sad for me and I've had to learn that that's ok.  I never want people to feel like they can't share their news with me, just know that sometimes I may need to process it in my own time/way, this is especially true if you are close family/friend. When those days come and I feel myself being too deep in those feelings I may have myself a good cry and then a chat with a fellow TTC buddy, talking to and cuddling with hubby, or snuggle time with P usually does the trick. I mean who's mood wouldn't turn around after cuddling that sweet boy for awhile?!

So now that I've had myself the good cry I needed I think it's time for this Mama to go to bed. Thanks for taking time to stop by and don't forget to follow my blog!

-Jessi