LOST:The Woman I Was

For many women the moment they become a mom their 'pre-baby self' slowly starts to evolve or fade away, I myself am no different. I used to be the one always dressed up, hair done, never left the house without makeup kind of gal. I always had new shoes, cute handbags, sexy underwear, etc. And now here I am finally getting out of my pjs and taking a shower at 7pm, only to put on another set of jammies. Ha! There is no involvement of makeup, curling or straightening irons, false lashes, nail polish, etc. I occasionally miss that girl especially when I feel like I'm losing who I used to be, I sometimes wonder if I even have in me to be that girl again. As women we are always our own biggest critic and I'm not exempt from that.

Just today I looked in the bathroom mirror thinking how awful I looked. Standing there with messy unwashed hair bunched on top of my head, the hint of dark circles under my eyes, framed by some eyebrows in serious need of a wax(oops!), I honestly looked like I just crawled out of bed. Now I could be all philosophical here and tell you how physical appearance doesn't matter, blah, blah, blah! And while that may be true I have my moments where I wish I was still that girl who was wild and crazy, who took hours to get ready for date night, who felt good and carried herself with confidence. Sadly, that girl is not here anymore, I allowed her to be gobbled up by the all consuming beast that can be motherhood. And I think the fact that I stay home has exasperated the issue because every waking moment if my day revolves around being Mom. I don't have a job where I go to and am still Jessi. I don't get to pee alone, shower alone, and most nights I don't even get to eat my own dinner. The title of Mom and all that that encompasses has pushed Jessi to the furthest darkest corner of life's closet. She's sitting back there with the dust bunnies, skinny jeans, and probably my plaid uniform skirt from high school. Haha!

All joking aside I admit I've done a terrible job at keeping myself up and staying somewhat of who I used to be. I couldn't tell you the last date night we had, or the last girls night I went to. Hell, tonight was the first time I'd showered alone in weeks!(Thank you, God!) I should probably start wearing makeup again, and drop the sweat pants and t shirts, maybe I'll even make it in for an eyebrow wax, and a dye job to hide these grays. Maybe I'll even get to shower long enough to shave my legs! I'm sure my husband would appreciate seeing the 'old me' and maybe it would help me not feel so lost.

So my challenge for you moms hanging out at home in your sweatpants with your dirty hair is this. Take a day or two this week where you actually get dressed, put on some makeup(yes, lip gloss and mascara are fine!) and try to get in touch with your old self. Bring her out from the back of life's 'closet', brush of the dust bunnies, and let her see the light of day. Your significant other will probably wonder what's going on and will likely worry they've forgotten an important date and you can mess with them if they think that, I totally would do it to my hubby.  And if you feel brave enough post a picture and share what happened, I'd love to hear all about it.

Jessi

Sometimes You Just Need a Good Cry.

I know most of us have come to a point for one reason or another where we need to take a moment and just have ourselves a good cry. The type of cry where you end up snot nosed, a pile of tissues in your lap, red puffy eyes, ugly cry kind of cry. I know you ladies know what I'm talking about. I had that moment tonight and it felt good to just let it all out. Now I don't know about you but I usually have to have these moments when I know I won't be disturbed. So that means they usually happen during P's nap time while hubby is still at work or like tonight, after everyone has gone to sleep. I've had a few medical set backs over the last few months in our TTC journey, and unfortunately had another yesterday. I've shared some of what I've gone through via Instagram and Facebook but haven't shared here yet. Tonight I'm just going to share about this recent set back and will save our full story for another night when I'm not posting from my phone.

Just some quick back story...

After having issues with my cycle over the past summer I went to see my ObGyn. After lots of blood work, questions, exams, and our obvious lack of conceiving  she diagnosed me with PCOS. If you're asking yourself what in the world that is, it stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I won't get into specifics but essentially it's what's causing me to have erratic or non existent periods as well as not ovulating during my cycles. After the initial round of blood work I was prescribed metformin to combat the insulin resistance that often accompanies this. I started taking 2000mg daily in October of 2014 and had to continue until my follow up that happened on Monday.

I had to go have blood drawn and they would check if there was any change in my blood glucose level. My result last time was 103, Dr.P wanted it below 100.  Once I hit that 100(or lower)mark I would be prescribed Clomid in hopes it would make me ovulate and help us conceive. I had high hopes for my call back from Dr.P's office, and I just knew I would get good news. Unfortunately for me the news I did get when they called was not what I expected. She told me that there had been no change in my glucose level and it still was at 103. And Dr.P wanted me to increase my daily dosage of metformin from 2000mg to 4000mg, that also meant no Clomid and I'll have to wait at least another 3 months and have my levels tested again. I guess the only good news was that even though it didn't go down it didn't increase either. Talk about a huge freakin let down! As soon as I hung up the phone the tears came as I sent the hubby a Facebook message to tell him what happened. Some of you are probably thinking that 3 months is nothing and will be over in a blink. And while that may be true, when you've been TTC for almost a year and a half those 3 months seem like an eternity. It sometimes feels like after our loss that we've hit nothing but hurdle after hurdle to try and have another baby.

So now here I sit tonight all puffy eyed with my pile of tissues because I'm feeling rather discouraged about this current set back and the entire TTC situation.  I can't help but play a million different scenarios in my mind about our TTC journey and what will happen down the road. I've often wondered if my past OB was right and after being told I'd be lucky to ever have children naturally on our own without done kind of assistance that Perrin will be our only miracle baby. And if that's the case, will we ever be so blessed to have that miracle for a 3rd time and and actually end up with a healthy baby? I know there's one or two of you thinking that I should be happy to have P and that I'm already a mom. Please don't ever think that I take my son for granted, because even on the toughest days when I may gripe about it  he is my life and I love him more than words. Even though we do have P it doesn't take away the want I have in my heart to be pregnant again and have more children.

There are some days when that ache is so strong that I just can't bear the thought of seeing another pregnancy or birth announcement online. And when I say this it's not out of anger, it's out of sadness. There's that fear that scrolling through my news feed on Facebook may bring that dark cloud over my entire day. While I may pass on a congratulations to you and your good news I am still sad for me and I've had to learn that that's ok.  I never want people to feel like they can't share their news with me, just know that sometimes I may need to process it in my own time/way, this is especially true if you are close family/friend. When those days come and I feel myself being too deep in those feelings I may have myself a good cry and then a chat with a fellow TTC buddy, talking to and cuddling with hubby, or snuggle time with P usually does the trick. I mean who's mood wouldn't turn around after cuddling that sweet boy for awhile?!

So now that I've had myself the good cry I needed I think it's time for this Mama to go to bed. Thanks for taking time to stop by and don't forget to follow my blog!

-Jessi

The nightlife of a Mom

When I can't sleep I often find myself reminiscing about the past and the craziness that was once our life, tonight is no different.

Once upon a time I was young, fun, and always up for a party or drinks at the bar. When Luke and I were dating in the BP time period(before P)we were out almost every weekend with friends, drinking, having date nights, going out to fancy restaurants, and having friends over for get togethers. These days though my wild nights are spent reading bedtime stories, stealing cuddles, tucking in monkeys, Charlie Brown, and a host of other friends, along with finishing chores that didn't get done throughout the day. I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I went out to a bar, or been drunk, or even dressed up to go out. I'm almost always wearing sweat pants or jeans and t-shirts, that's about as exciting as my wardrobe gets anymore. And if I'm awake until the wee hours if the morning it's usually because some sweet little boy needs his Mama.

Tonight is one of those nights where I find myself laying here in the dark listening, waiting for a cough or a cry. P has been fighting a cough and runny nose for about a week and then today it decided to morph into pink eye as well. My poor boy is just miserable and nothing I tried or offered made him happy, he was so upset he didn't even want me to talk to him. =( Thankfully after some cuddles he went back to his crib and had been sleeping ever since. It really breaks my heart when P is sick or hurt and I can't fix it. So I'll just lie here in bed and drift in and out of sleep listening for my baby to cough, cry, or call to me. While this night of little broken sleep isn't because of drinks, dancing, or bar hoping there's really nowhere else I'd rather be. 
I'm hoping he seems better by Monday AM otherwise I'll have to put a call in to the pediatrician, and P is not a fan of the doctors office. He's ok in the waiting room, but as soon as the nurse walks us back to a room he starts whimpering, and then all hell breaks loose when Dr.Rogalski comes in. So send us some prayers or good vibes that he's better and it misses Luke and I.

I guess since its almost 3AM I should force myself to sleep so I'm not sleepy in the morning.

Good night to all of you wild partiers and to all you parents at home with littles.

Snow and Buckeyes.

We had a nice little snow storm come through last night and ended up with about 4in of snow after it was all over. Nothing major, but a lot of schools were closed again. For a lot of them they've only had 2 days of classes so far in 2015, I never remember snow days like that when I was younger. And since it was warmer than it has been, we've had many days with wind chills in the negative double digits. Today it was in the high 20's so we took the opportunity to take P out to play in the snow. He wasn't sure what to really do so he ended up kicking it around and throwing it in the air for all of about 15-20min. It was nice to get out and get some fresh(COLD!) air and a little bit of late day sunshine.

How many of you are watching the game between The Ohio State Buckeyes and The Oregon Ducks? My husband is a life long fan and Alum of OSU so we watch every game, this man is so wound up about this game that he hasn't sat down since it has started. It's taken me until half time to get this far and at this point our Bucks are winning! YAY! Now we can only hope that it stays that way. Before P went to bed he was cheering right along with his Daddy and has to hand out lots of high 5's whenever he thinks they're warranted. Hopefully we can tell him that his Buckeyes won in the morning when he wakes up tomorrow.

Since the game is coming back on soon I'm cutting this post short, sorry! :)

GO BUCKS! O-H!

Brrrrr! Freezing Temps and Picking Preschools.

Brrrr! We're in the middle of an "Arctic Blast" right now and had temps hovering around zero and below all day with wind chills somewhere around -25! Almost every local school district was closed for the 2nd day in a row to protect the kids that have to wait for a bus or walk. We've been staying home to avoid going out in the bitter cold and I don't see us venturing out until Saturday or possibly Sunday. Speaking of Sunday, we have plans to check out a Preschool Fair at the local mom center. We're hoping to find a program that will help us harness P's love of learning and help him continue to excel. We're probably starting a little early since we found that he'll have to wait until he's almost 4 because of when his birthday falls. Maybe we'll get lucky and find another program that that wont be an issue. I know he'd benefit from the socialization and it would give me a chance to do other things around the house. We'll see how it goes and I'll keep you all updated on what we find.

Hello World!

Hello world! I'm new to this whole blogging thing so I ask for your patience as I learn the ropes and get more comfortable with how to do all of this. I guess first off I should introduce myself so you'll know who's behind this. My name is Jessi and I am 28 years old. I'm born and raised in the North Western region of Ohio where I still reside with my husband Luke and our 2 year old son P. We are new home owners and that has taken up most of our time and money over the last 10 months. We've done basic updates by painting, new appliances, new furniture, etc. but haven't tackled any huge remodeling projects quite yet. I come from a loud and crazy family that consists of my parents and 3 sisters. I am the second born daughter, and obviously the parental favorite. Ha! You'll hear all about my loved ones on multiple occasions since we see each other all of the time and craziness always follows. Thanks for stopping by to check out my new space, hopefully you'll continue to check back.