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I've written this post countless times in my head and online and have yet to be able to publish it because it just never felt right. I couldn't put the feelings into words that would adequately describe what I was feeling in those moments. This is the story of our loss and what I went through over the past year dealing with that heartbreak. It is long and shares a lot of personal details of our loss and grief, please be respectful of our loss journey as much of this hasn't been shared with anyone besides my husband.
Exactly a year ago today our lives were forever changed.
After we got married in October 2013 we decided we wanted to begin trying to conceive(TTC) right away. I had already been tracking my cycles with ovulation strips(OPKs) so we continued using them for the next few cycles. The holidays passed and with the new year came a LOT of snow and we were snowed in, it was January 5th, 2014. I woke up early before the sun was even up and had to sneak my way to the bathroom past P's crib. I nervously unwrapped the test and did what I needed to do, then all I had to do was wait. I waited with eyes closed and barely breathing because I didn't want to be disappointed again. I waited for what felt like an eternity and slowly peeked from one eye, and to my shock there were 2 lines! I totally did a happy dance in the bathroom before tip-toeing my way back bed. I snuggled up next to my husband and with him being just barely awake I whispered in his ear "We're having another baby!". He turned around with a huge smile and I couldn't help but laugh as he asked multiple times if I was sure. We were overjoyed with the news and I felt like I was on cloud 9, what better news to start the day then that of a new baby! It also happened at a great time to tell close family because the snow had prevented us from celebrating my baby sister's birthday. So I knew just how to share our news with my parents and sister, a birthday surprise!
A few days later we were finally able to get out of the house and have dinner for A's birthday. It was fun, but it was so hard to not blurt out our news right there in the middle of the restaurant. We were going to have to wait until we all went back to my parent's house after dinner. We had bought A's birthday card that was one "for a special aunt" and signed it from "P and Baby W#2". I sat nervously as she opened it secretly recording it all on my cellphone waiting to capture the reaction of her and everyone else that was there. Sure enough, she read it, looked up at me, read it again, and said "wait a minute...what?!". At this point I was laughing and shaking from not only nerves but because I think she thought it was a joke. She then asked if it was true and I told her yes she threw it at my mom who read it and then flipped out(in a good shocked way)! My dad was the last to register what was happening amid the screeches and laughing, but it was a great reaction by them all. We used the same trick on Luke's Dad a few days later for his birthday, and we managed to shock him as well. We only told immediate family first and were waiting until our first appointment until we told the rest of our family members and then make it public. We decided since we were going to a big family party with my family 2 days before the appointment we'd share our news, everyone was so happy for us! I was scheduled to see Dr.P February 18th for our first visit which would include a dating ultrasound to determine how far along we were and a due date.
I can remember the day like it was just moments ago, it's burned into my memory. My parents offered to come over and watch P so that Luke would be able to come with me over his lunch break. I remember being so excited and so nervous that my stomach was in knots and it took everything in me to not throw up. By the time we made it to the appointment and actually got back to an exam room I was smiling from ear to ear. The nurse ran through the mile long list of health questions about myself, Luke, and our families, they asked about pregnancy and delivery with P, and all the other fun facts they need to know. After that was all taken care of we had to wait for Dr.P to come in to do our ultrasound and we'd get our first look at our little peanut. Anyone who's been pregnant knows how uncomfortable that first ultrasound is because let's face it, no one wants to be lying half naked on a bed with an annoying instrument in their neither regions. It's awkward, uncomfortable, but the end result is magical...or at least it should be.
I'm lying in this bed waiting silently, barely breathing as she's doing her work and checking all she needs to on the monitor. The more time that passes I start to sense that something is wrong, I just hold on harder to Luke's hand while we wait for her to say something. When she finally speaks she tells us that she can't get a clear enough picture, but that she's having trouble locating a heartbeat. She tells us to be cautiously optimistic add that I'll need to go downstairs to the hospital for a better ultrasound. Everything after that point is foggy, I don't know what was said, but I remember walking down to radiology dept and waiting for what felt like years for my name to be called. When I was called back and again endured another very awkward and this time painful ultrasound I had to know for sure what was going on. I asked the tech if she could see or tell us anything and she said she couldn't, but that Dr.P would review it and let us know the results. We were sent back upstairs to wait for Dr.P to review the images and tell us what was happening. By this point I knew in my heart it wasn't good news, and I remember sitting in the waiting room texting my mom trying to keep her updated without telling her specifics do she wouldn't worry. I was also texting my friend and was telling her that things weren't looking good, I felt like I was on the edge of my seat waiting to be called back.
After what felt like a million years I was called back to an exam room and waited for Dr.P. When she came in she said the words no one ever wants to hear..."I'm sorry, there was no heartbeat." I remember her saying that baby had died about a week prior based on its size, and that there was nothing we could do. After that I only remember thinking that this was a mistake, that it was all wrong. I remember my mouth was so dry and my tongue felt thick like I couldn't swallow. I didn't cry, I felt like I couldn't even breathe. I just wanted to get out of there and get home so I could mourn in private. Luke and I gathered our coats and as soon as we were out of the office I could feel the tears starting to burn in the corners of my eyes, and the flood gates opened as soon as I was in the car. The drive home was silent, we just held each other's hand and cried. In that moment I'm not sure what else you can do. If you've never been through a loss it's really hard to understand the whirlwind of emotions that happen. There's anger and sadness, disappointment, and fear of what happens next. One of my first thoughts was how in the hell do we tell our families?! We just shared this news days prior thinking we were "in the clear" and now this was happening. Luke dropped me off and had to go back to work, and I managed to tell my parents without losing it, they offered to stay but since P was sleeping I told them they could go. I needed some time to myself to process what was happening, to begin to prepare myself for the physical aspect of what would happen, but the long emotional road that was ahead as well. I spent the rest if the afternoon crying and sobbing and slowly telling my closest girlfriends what happened. I asked my parents to tell my sisters and the rest if the family because I couldn't bare the thought of answering questions and repeating what happened over and over. Our loss journey was just beginning but in the next few nights I'd go through what I thought would be the worst of it, the physical part of passing/delivering our peanut. I won't share the gory details, just know there is real pain in those moments, cramping and contracting just like in "real"labor, and more bleeding than you can imagine. It's a difficult and messy process that I'd never wish on anyone. One of the hardest things to deal with was still feeling pregnant after it was all over, I still was getting morning sickness, hormone migraines, and all the other uncomfortable pregnancy symptoms that happen. It was like a sick joke being played on me every day for the next 2 weeks as I'd wake up with morning sickness, and be hit with a daily hormone migraine even though there was no baby inside of me. Those days were some of the worst, I don't even know how I made it through. The next few months were a blur of emotions, tears, and so many other things. I was sad, I was pissed off at the world, and it felt like nothing would bring me out of that hole. I always managed to put on a happy face in public and deal with my feelings in private, because I felt like I couldn't share it with anyone. I felt like people expected me to be over our loss in such a short amount of time and that just was not the case.
Over the next year I struggled with mild depression, mood swings, anxiety, weight gain, etc. As well as the mountain of grief that seemed to be ever present in my life, it would sneak up our of nowhere and take me down. I had to go day by day, sometimes it was moment by moment to just make it through the day. It was a very dark and lonely time for me, I felt like people dismissed our loss and moved on instantly and I was left shouldering the immense grief alone. It was such a hard time on my husband and our marriage because I was not easy to deal with going through all of this. I was mean and moody, I neglected a lot of my housework, and I just wasn't me. I spent my days concentrating on taking care of P and that was sometimes all I could do. So many days I wondered about all of the things we'd miss, birthdays, holidays, everything you look forward to when you find out you're expecting, all of that was now gone and that's the worst pull to swallow I think. You have all of these dreams for this child that you've never met but that you love so much already. You wonder if the baby was a boy or girl, what color hair and eyes they'd have, who would they have looked like, etc. Ask of those dreams are shattered in a moment, and its so hard to wrap your mind around that enough to let those dreams go.
Here I am now exactly a year later, I'm in a better place mentally but there are still hard days just fewer and far between than what they were. Now that we've been TTC unsuccessfully since our miscarriage it's added a whole different layer to this journey. There will always be grief over the baby we lost, but now there is grief for the baby that still isn't here yet. In the last 6 months I've had some health hurdles with my cycles and I'm working with Dr.P to fix those and hopefully get us to the point where we're able to conceive. I'll post more about that part of our journey another day.
You were loved from the moment we knew you existed. You're forever in my heart, my sweet baby. 1/5/14 - 2/18/14
