I've been having trouble sleeping again, lying in bed staring at the ceiling, listening to my husband and the dog snore, catching the occasional rustle from P's room. All of this time spent lying in the dark gives me a lot of time to think, thinking about your typical mundane stuff like grocery shopping, laundry, what's for dinner tomorrow, etc. That time also gives me time to (over)analyze the current state of our TTC journey, my PCOS journey, and all the other things that come with those. I haven't written in a while because I didn't really feel like I've had much to say. I thought that I should write about something other than TTC, but I didn't have anything else to talk about. Obviously TTC takes up a lot of room in my daily thoughts, sometimes it seeps into moments that I least expect, while some days I'm able to keep it neatly packed away until I'm alone before bed.
Something that I've been thinking about a lot over the past few days was what has TTC cost us up until this point? Sure money has been spent, and for my fellow POAS addicts you know how the tests and their costs can add up pretty quickly. Even more so if you're like us and use the OPKs on top of the monthly testing with an HPT. Add in the cost of vitamins, supplements, blood work, doctors appointments, the fertility friendly lube, etc, and it really adds up fast. I found a little program that when given your estimates and information with give you a informational picture of your TTC journey. After everything all of the necessary info I was kind of surprised at the results. I didn't even add in the medical costs because I didn't have an accurate number to use, although I'm sure it's hundreds of extra dollars. I'm hoping it shows up properly since I'm posting from my phone again.
It's crazy to me the amount of time and money that TTC has taken up in my life. With the money we've spent we could have taken a nice weekend trip somewhere, bought a bunch of new clothes, used it on a project around the house. People may not realize how expensive this process can get even before you enter the realm of IVF. I've also spent so many hours of reading article after article, researching medications and supplements, reaching out in online forums and support groups. I've learned so much and have thankfully meet some really great ladies throughout this process. We talk often and are each other's cheerleaders when hope is hard to find. We also are one of the most excited when we find out that someone has FINALLY got their BFP! Hearing of someone's success usually gives me the glimmer of hope I needed to remind myself our turn will come again someday.
There are days when I feel like we've tried everything under the sun to get pregnant and it's just not working. It's easy to get discouraged, sad, angry, jealous, etc especially when you hear so many others getting pregnant so easily. I know years ago when my doctor first told me that getting pregnant would be hard I didn't know what to think. My first instinct was to think she was crazy and 100% wrong and that is never have any issues. I thought that was even more true when I was pregnant with P. When we got pregnant so quickly the 2nd time her words never even crossed my mind. Now here we are 540+ days into this craziness and I'm realizing how right she was. I'm in my 6th month of taking metformin, I've been taking prenatal vitamins for what feels like an eternity, and I feel like we're no closer to getting pregnant than we were 6mo ago. We're currently watching my chart to see if my body cooperates this cycle and actually is successful at ovulating or if it well be a giant FAIL. I guess all we can do now is wait and hope.
