Late Night Thoughts

I've been having trouble sleeping again, lying in bed staring at the ceiling, listening to my husband and the dog snore, catching the occasional rustle from P's room. All of this time spent lying in the dark gives me a lot of time to think, thinking about your typical mundane stuff like grocery shopping, laundry, what's for dinner tomorrow, etc. That time also gives me time to (over)analyze the current state of our TTC journey, my PCOS journey, and all the other things that come with those. I haven't written in a while because I didn't really feel like I've had much to say. I thought that I should write about something other than TTC, but I didn't have anything else to talk about. Obviously TTC takes up a lot of room in my daily thoughts, sometimes it seeps into moments that I least expect, while some days I'm able to keep it neatly packed away until I'm alone before bed.

Something that I've been thinking about a lot over the past few days was what has TTC cost us up until this point? Sure money has been spent, and for my fellow POAS addicts you know how the tests and their costs can add up pretty quickly. Even more so if you're like us and use the OPKs on top of the monthly testing with an HPT. Add in the cost of vitamins, supplements, blood work, doctors appointments, the fertility friendly lube, etc, and it really adds up fast. I found a little program that when given your estimates and information with give you a informational picture of your TTC journey. After everything all of the necessary info I was kind of surprised at the results. I didn't even add in the medical costs because I didn't have an accurate number to use, although I'm sure it's hundreds of extra dollars. I'm hoping it shows up properly since I'm posting from my phone again.

It's crazy to me the amount of time and money that TTC has taken up in my life. With the money we've spent we could have taken a nice weekend trip somewhere, bought a bunch of new clothes, used it on a project around the house. People may not realize how expensive this process can get even before you enter the realm of IVF. I've also spent so many hours of reading article after article, researching medications and supplements, reaching out in online forums and support groups. I've learned so much and have thankfully meet some really great ladies throughout this process. We talk often and are each other's cheerleaders when hope is hard to find. We also are one of the most excited when we find out that someone has FINALLY got their BFP! Hearing of someone's success usually gives me the glimmer of hope I needed to remind myself our turn will come again someday. 

There are days when I feel like we've tried everything under the sun to get pregnant and it's just not working. It's easy to get discouraged, sad, angry, jealous, etc especially when you hear so many others getting pregnant so easily. I know years ago when my doctor first told me that getting pregnant would be hard I didn't know what to think. My first instinct was to think she was crazy and 100% wrong and that is never have any issues. I thought that was even more true when I was pregnant with P. When we got pregnant so quickly the 2nd time her words never even crossed my mind. Now here we are 540+ days into this craziness and I'm realizing how right she was. I'm in my 6th month of taking metformin, I've been taking prenatal vitamins for what feels like an eternity, and I feel like we're no closer to getting pregnant than we were 6mo ago. We're currently watching my chart to see if my body cooperates this cycle and actually is successful at ovulating or if it well be a giant FAIL. I guess all we can do now is wait and hope.

Shattered Dreams: A Story of Loss.

I've written this post countless times in my head and online and have yet to be able to publish it because it just never felt right. I couldn't put the feelings into words that would adequately describe what I was feeling in those moments. This is the story of our loss and what I went through over the past year dealing with that heartbreak. It is long and shares a lot of personal details of our loss and grief, please be respectful of our loss journey as much of this hasn't been shared with anyone besides my husband.

Exactly a year ago today our lives were forever changed.

After we got married in October 2013 we decided we wanted to begin trying to conceive(TTC) right away. I had already been tracking my cycles with ovulation strips(OPKs) so we continued using them for the next few cycles. The holidays passed and with the new year came a LOT of snow and we were snowed in, it was January 5th, 2014. I woke up early before the sun was even up and had to sneak my way to the bathroom past P's crib. I nervously unwrapped the test and did what I needed to do, then all I had to do was wait. I waited with eyes closed and barely breathing because I didn't want to be disappointed again. I waited for what felt like an eternity and slowly peeked from one eye, and to my shock there were 2 lines! I totally did a happy dance in the bathroom before tip-toeing my way back bed. I snuggled up next to my husband and with him being just barely awake I whispered in his ear "We're having another baby!". He turned around with a huge smile and I couldn't help but laugh as he asked multiple times if I was sure. We were overjoyed with the news and I felt like I was on cloud 9, what better news to start the day then that of a new baby! It also happened at a great time to tell close family because the snow had prevented us from celebrating my baby sister's birthday. So I knew just how to share our news with my parents and sister, a birthday surprise!

A few days later we were finally able to get out of the house and have dinner for A's birthday. It was fun, but it was so hard to not blurt out our news right there in the middle of the restaurant. We were going to have to wait until we all went back to my parent's house after dinner. We had bought A's birthday card that was one "for a special aunt" and signed it from "P and Baby W#2". I sat nervously as she opened it secretly recording it all on my cellphone waiting to capture the reaction of her and everyone else that was there. Sure enough, she read it, looked up at me, read it again, and said "wait a minute...what?!". At this point I was laughing and shaking from not only nerves but because I think she thought it was a joke. She then asked if it was true and I told her yes she threw it at my mom who read it and then flipped out(in a good shocked way)! My dad was the last to register what was happening amid the screeches and laughing, but it was a great reaction by them all. We used the same trick on Luke's Dad a few days later for his birthday, and we managed to shock him as well. We only told immediate family first and were waiting until our first appointment until we told the rest of our family members and then make it public. We decided since we were going to a big family party with my family 2 days before the appointment we'd share our news, everyone was so happy for us! I was scheduled to see Dr.P February 18th for our first visit which would include a dating ultrasound to determine how far along we were and a due date.

I can remember the day like it was just moments ago, it's burned into my memory. My parents offered to come over and watch P so that Luke would be able to come with me over his lunch break. I remember being so excited and so nervous that my stomach was in knots and it took everything in me to not throw up. By the time we made it to the appointment and actually got back to an exam room I was smiling from ear to ear. The nurse ran through the mile long list of health questions about myself, Luke, and our families, they asked about pregnancy and delivery with P, and all the other fun facts they need to know. After that was all taken care of we had to wait for Dr.P to come in to do our ultrasound and we'd get our first look at our little peanut. Anyone who's been pregnant knows how uncomfortable that first ultrasound is because let's face it, no one wants to be lying half naked on a bed with an annoying instrument in their neither regions. It's awkward, uncomfortable, but the end result is magical...or at least it should be.

I'm lying in this bed waiting silently, barely breathing as she's doing her work and checking all she needs to on the monitor. The more time that passes I start to sense that something is wrong, I just hold on harder to Luke's hand while we wait for her to say something. When she finally speaks she tells us that she can't get a clear enough picture, but that she's having trouble locating a heartbeat. She tells us to be cautiously optimistic add that I'll need to go downstairs to the hospital for a better ultrasound. Everything after that point is foggy, I don't know what was said, but I remember walking down to radiology dept and waiting for what felt like years for my name to be called. When I was called back and again endured another very awkward and this time painful ultrasound I had to know for sure what was going on. I asked the tech if she could see or tell us anything and she said she couldn't, but that Dr.P would review it and let us know the results. We were sent back upstairs to wait for Dr.P to review the images and tell us what was happening. By this point I knew in my heart it wasn't good news, and I remember sitting in the waiting room texting my mom trying to keep her updated without telling her specifics do she wouldn't worry. I was also texting my friend and was telling her that things weren't looking good, I felt like I was on the edge of my seat waiting to be called back.

After what felt like a million years I was called back to an exam room and waited for Dr.P. When she came in she said the words no one ever wants to hear..."I'm sorry, there was no heartbeat." I remember her saying that baby had died about a week prior based on its size, and that there was nothing we could do. After that I only remember thinking that this was a mistake, that it was all wrong. I remember my mouth was so dry and my tongue felt thick like I couldn't swallow. I didn't cry, I felt like I couldn't even breathe. I just wanted to get out of there and get home so I could mourn in private. Luke and I gathered our coats and as soon as we were out of the office I could feel the tears starting to burn in the corners of my eyes, and the flood gates opened as soon as I was in the car. The drive home was silent, we just held each other's hand and cried. In that moment I'm not sure what else you can do. If you've never been through a loss it's really hard to understand the whirlwind of emotions that happen. There's anger and sadness, disappointment, and fear of what happens next. One of my first thoughts was how in the hell do we tell our families?! We just shared this news days prior thinking we were "in the clear" and now this was happening. Luke dropped me off and had to go back to work, and I managed to tell my parents without losing it, they offered to stay but since P was sleeping I told them they could go. I needed some time to myself to process what was happening, to begin to prepare myself for the physical aspect of what would happen, but the long emotional road that was ahead as well. I spent the rest if the afternoon crying and sobbing and slowly telling my closest girlfriends what happened. I asked my parents to tell my sisters and the rest if the family because I couldn't bare the thought of answering questions and repeating what happened over and over. Our loss journey was just beginning but in the next few nights I'd go through what I thought would be the worst of it, the physical part of passing/delivering our peanut. I won't share the gory details, just know there is real pain in those moments, cramping and contracting just like in  "real"labor, and more bleeding than you can imagine. It's a difficult and messy process that I'd never wish on anyone. One of the hardest things to deal with was still feeling pregnant after it was all over, I still was getting morning sickness, hormone migraines, and all the other uncomfortable pregnancy symptoms that happen. It was like a sick joke being played on me every day for the next 2 weeks as I'd wake up with morning sickness, and be hit with a daily hormone migraine even though there was no baby inside of me. Those days were some of the worst, I don't even know how I made it through. The next few months were a blur of emotions, tears, and so many other things. I was sad,  I was pissed off at the world, and it felt like nothing would bring me out of that hole. I always managed to put on a happy face in public and deal with my feelings in private, because I felt like I couldn't share it with anyone. I felt like people expected me to be over our loss in such a short amount of time and that just was not the case.

Over the next year I struggled with mild depression, mood swings, anxiety, weight gain, etc. As well as the mountain of grief that seemed to be ever present in my life, it would sneak up our of nowhere and take me down. I had to go day by day, sometimes it was moment by moment to just make it through the day. It was a very dark and lonely time for me, I felt like people dismissed our loss and moved on instantly and I was left shouldering the immense grief alone. It was such a hard time on my husband and our marriage because I was not easy to deal with going through all of this. I was mean and moody, I neglected a lot of my housework, and I just wasn't me. I spent my days concentrating on taking care of P and that was sometimes all I could do. So many days I wondered about all of the things we'd miss, birthdays, holidays, everything you look forward to when you find out you're expecting, all of that was now gone and that's the worst pull to swallow I think. You have all of these dreams for this child that you've never met but that you love so much already. You wonder if the baby was a boy or girl, what color hair and eyes they'd have, who would they have looked like, etc. Ask of those dreams are shattered in a moment, and its so hard to wrap your mind around that enough to let those dreams go.

Here I am now exactly a year later, I'm in a better place mentally but there are still hard days just fewer and far between than what they were. Now that we've been TTC unsuccessfully since our miscarriage it's added a whole different layer to this journey. There will always be grief over the baby we lost, but now there is grief for the baby that still isn't here yet. In the last 6 months I've had some health hurdles with my cycles and I'm working with Dr.P to fix those and hopefully get us to the point where we're able to conceive. I'll post more about that part of our journey another day.

You were loved from the moment we knew you existed. You're forever in my heart, my sweet baby. 1/5/14 - 2/18/14

Sometimes You Just Need a Good Cry.

I know most of us have come to a point for one reason or another where we need to take a moment and just have ourselves a good cry. The type of cry where you end up snot nosed, a pile of tissues in your lap, red puffy eyes, ugly cry kind of cry. I know you ladies know what I'm talking about. I had that moment tonight and it felt good to just let it all out. Now I don't know about you but I usually have to have these moments when I know I won't be disturbed. So that means they usually happen during P's nap time while hubby is still at work or like tonight, after everyone has gone to sleep. I've had a few medical set backs over the last few months in our TTC journey, and unfortunately had another yesterday. I've shared some of what I've gone through via Instagram and Facebook but haven't shared here yet. Tonight I'm just going to share about this recent set back and will save our full story for another night when I'm not posting from my phone.

Just some quick back story...

After having issues with my cycle over the past summer I went to see my ObGyn. After lots of blood work, questions, exams, and our obvious lack of conceiving  she diagnosed me with PCOS. If you're asking yourself what in the world that is, it stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I won't get into specifics but essentially it's what's causing me to have erratic or non existent periods as well as not ovulating during my cycles. After the initial round of blood work I was prescribed metformin to combat the insulin resistance that often accompanies this. I started taking 2000mg daily in October of 2014 and had to continue until my follow up that happened on Monday.

I had to go have blood drawn and they would check if there was any change in my blood glucose level. My result last time was 103, Dr.P wanted it below 100.  Once I hit that 100(or lower)mark I would be prescribed Clomid in hopes it would make me ovulate and help us conceive. I had high hopes for my call back from Dr.P's office, and I just knew I would get good news. Unfortunately for me the news I did get when they called was not what I expected. She told me that there had been no change in my glucose level and it still was at 103. And Dr.P wanted me to increase my daily dosage of metformin from 2000mg to 4000mg, that also meant no Clomid and I'll have to wait at least another 3 months and have my levels tested again. I guess the only good news was that even though it didn't go down it didn't increase either. Talk about a huge freakin let down! As soon as I hung up the phone the tears came as I sent the hubby a Facebook message to tell him what happened. Some of you are probably thinking that 3 months is nothing and will be over in a blink. And while that may be true, when you've been TTC for almost a year and a half those 3 months seem like an eternity. It sometimes feels like after our loss that we've hit nothing but hurdle after hurdle to try and have another baby.

So now here I sit tonight all puffy eyed with my pile of tissues because I'm feeling rather discouraged about this current set back and the entire TTC situation.  I can't help but play a million different scenarios in my mind about our TTC journey and what will happen down the road. I've often wondered if my past OB was right and after being told I'd be lucky to ever have children naturally on our own without done kind of assistance that Perrin will be our only miracle baby. And if that's the case, will we ever be so blessed to have that miracle for a 3rd time and and actually end up with a healthy baby? I know there's one or two of you thinking that I should be happy to have P and that I'm already a mom. Please don't ever think that I take my son for granted, because even on the toughest days when I may gripe about it  he is my life and I love him more than words. Even though we do have P it doesn't take away the want I have in my heart to be pregnant again and have more children.

There are some days when that ache is so strong that I just can't bear the thought of seeing another pregnancy or birth announcement online. And when I say this it's not out of anger, it's out of sadness. There's that fear that scrolling through my news feed on Facebook may bring that dark cloud over my entire day. While I may pass on a congratulations to you and your good news I am still sad for me and I've had to learn that that's ok.  I never want people to feel like they can't share their news with me, just know that sometimes I may need to process it in my own time/way, this is especially true if you are close family/friend. When those days come and I feel myself being too deep in those feelings I may have myself a good cry and then a chat with a fellow TTC buddy, talking to and cuddling with hubby, or snuggle time with P usually does the trick. I mean who's mood wouldn't turn around after cuddling that sweet boy for awhile?!

So now that I've had myself the good cry I needed I think it's time for this Mama to go to bed. Thanks for taking time to stop by and don't forget to follow my blog!

-Jessi