Late Night Thoughts

I've been having trouble sleeping again, lying in bed staring at the ceiling, listening to my husband and the dog snore, catching the occasional rustle from P's room. All of this time spent lying in the dark gives me a lot of time to think, thinking about your typical mundane stuff like grocery shopping, laundry, what's for dinner tomorrow, etc. That time also gives me time to (over)analyze the current state of our TTC journey, my PCOS journey, and all the other things that come with those. I haven't written in a while because I didn't really feel like I've had much to say. I thought that I should write about something other than TTC, but I didn't have anything else to talk about. Obviously TTC takes up a lot of room in my daily thoughts, sometimes it seeps into moments that I least expect, while some days I'm able to keep it neatly packed away until I'm alone before bed.

Something that I've been thinking about a lot over the past few days was what has TTC cost us up until this point? Sure money has been spent, and for my fellow POAS addicts you know how the tests and their costs can add up pretty quickly. Even more so if you're like us and use the OPKs on top of the monthly testing with an HPT. Add in the cost of vitamins, supplements, blood work, doctors appointments, the fertility friendly lube, etc, and it really adds up fast. I found a little program that when given your estimates and information with give you a informational picture of your TTC journey. After everything all of the necessary info I was kind of surprised at the results. I didn't even add in the medical costs because I didn't have an accurate number to use, although I'm sure it's hundreds of extra dollars. I'm hoping it shows up properly since I'm posting from my phone again.

It's crazy to me the amount of time and money that TTC has taken up in my life. With the money we've spent we could have taken a nice weekend trip somewhere, bought a bunch of new clothes, used it on a project around the house. People may not realize how expensive this process can get even before you enter the realm of IVF. I've also spent so many hours of reading article after article, researching medications and supplements, reaching out in online forums and support groups. I've learned so much and have thankfully meet some really great ladies throughout this process. We talk often and are each other's cheerleaders when hope is hard to find. We also are one of the most excited when we find out that someone has FINALLY got their BFP! Hearing of someone's success usually gives me the glimmer of hope I needed to remind myself our turn will come again someday. 

There are days when I feel like we've tried everything under the sun to get pregnant and it's just not working. It's easy to get discouraged, sad, angry, jealous, etc especially when you hear so many others getting pregnant so easily. I know years ago when my doctor first told me that getting pregnant would be hard I didn't know what to think. My first instinct was to think she was crazy and 100% wrong and that is never have any issues. I thought that was even more true when I was pregnant with P. When we got pregnant so quickly the 2nd time her words never even crossed my mind. Now here we are 540+ days into this craziness and I'm realizing how right she was. I'm in my 6th month of taking metformin, I've been taking prenatal vitamins for what feels like an eternity, and I feel like we're no closer to getting pregnant than we were 6mo ago. We're currently watching my chart to see if my body cooperates this cycle and actually is successful at ovulating or if it well be a giant FAIL. I guess all we can do now is wait and hope.

Sometimes You Just Need a Good Cry.

I know most of us have come to a point for one reason or another where we need to take a moment and just have ourselves a good cry. The type of cry where you end up snot nosed, a pile of tissues in your lap, red puffy eyes, ugly cry kind of cry. I know you ladies know what I'm talking about. I had that moment tonight and it felt good to just let it all out. Now I don't know about you but I usually have to have these moments when I know I won't be disturbed. So that means they usually happen during P's nap time while hubby is still at work or like tonight, after everyone has gone to sleep. I've had a few medical set backs over the last few months in our TTC journey, and unfortunately had another yesterday. I've shared some of what I've gone through via Instagram and Facebook but haven't shared here yet. Tonight I'm just going to share about this recent set back and will save our full story for another night when I'm not posting from my phone.

Just some quick back story...

After having issues with my cycle over the past summer I went to see my ObGyn. After lots of blood work, questions, exams, and our obvious lack of conceiving  she diagnosed me with PCOS. If you're asking yourself what in the world that is, it stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I won't get into specifics but essentially it's what's causing me to have erratic or non existent periods as well as not ovulating during my cycles. After the initial round of blood work I was prescribed metformin to combat the insulin resistance that often accompanies this. I started taking 2000mg daily in October of 2014 and had to continue until my follow up that happened on Monday.

I had to go have blood drawn and they would check if there was any change in my blood glucose level. My result last time was 103, Dr.P wanted it below 100.  Once I hit that 100(or lower)mark I would be prescribed Clomid in hopes it would make me ovulate and help us conceive. I had high hopes for my call back from Dr.P's office, and I just knew I would get good news. Unfortunately for me the news I did get when they called was not what I expected. She told me that there had been no change in my glucose level and it still was at 103. And Dr.P wanted me to increase my daily dosage of metformin from 2000mg to 4000mg, that also meant no Clomid and I'll have to wait at least another 3 months and have my levels tested again. I guess the only good news was that even though it didn't go down it didn't increase either. Talk about a huge freakin let down! As soon as I hung up the phone the tears came as I sent the hubby a Facebook message to tell him what happened. Some of you are probably thinking that 3 months is nothing and will be over in a blink. And while that may be true, when you've been TTC for almost a year and a half those 3 months seem like an eternity. It sometimes feels like after our loss that we've hit nothing but hurdle after hurdle to try and have another baby.

So now here I sit tonight all puffy eyed with my pile of tissues because I'm feeling rather discouraged about this current set back and the entire TTC situation.  I can't help but play a million different scenarios in my mind about our TTC journey and what will happen down the road. I've often wondered if my past OB was right and after being told I'd be lucky to ever have children naturally on our own without done kind of assistance that Perrin will be our only miracle baby. And if that's the case, will we ever be so blessed to have that miracle for a 3rd time and and actually end up with a healthy baby? I know there's one or two of you thinking that I should be happy to have P and that I'm already a mom. Please don't ever think that I take my son for granted, because even on the toughest days when I may gripe about it  he is my life and I love him more than words. Even though we do have P it doesn't take away the want I have in my heart to be pregnant again and have more children.

There are some days when that ache is so strong that I just can't bear the thought of seeing another pregnancy or birth announcement online. And when I say this it's not out of anger, it's out of sadness. There's that fear that scrolling through my news feed on Facebook may bring that dark cloud over my entire day. While I may pass on a congratulations to you and your good news I am still sad for me and I've had to learn that that's ok.  I never want people to feel like they can't share their news with me, just know that sometimes I may need to process it in my own time/way, this is especially true if you are close family/friend. When those days come and I feel myself being too deep in those feelings I may have myself a good cry and then a chat with a fellow TTC buddy, talking to and cuddling with hubby, or snuggle time with P usually does the trick. I mean who's mood wouldn't turn around after cuddling that sweet boy for awhile?!

So now that I've had myself the good cry I needed I think it's time for this Mama to go to bed. Thanks for taking time to stop by and don't forget to follow my blog!

-Jessi